Parenting Boys
As a father of a teenage boy myself and having attended an all-boys high school environment for many years, at times I still find myself struck with just how thoughtful and thoughtless they can be, as they discover who they are and what they stand for. One of the leading parent educators and the founder of 'Parenting Ideas', Michael Grose, recently identified the importance of time and timing when it comes to successfully parenting boys.
To begin with, boys on the whole mature later and take longer to mature than girls, and this is clearly evident when entering Year 7 and the early years of the Senior School. The typical Years 7 – 9 classroom contains a wide range of levels of maturity and the sense of balance regarding academic willingness and socialisation often doesn’t emerge until well into Year 10.
Grose identifies that a first born son, followed by a sister a couple of years younger, will often share similar levels of academic and social ability and this in itself can be a source of anxiety among boys either leading to them giving up, or being nasty towards the younger sister. Grose warns that it is dangerous to make comparisons, as the first born likes to have a competency gap clearly established between them and those who follow.
Motivating Boys
It is true that most teenagers live for the moment and in the now, but it is particularly prevalent with boys. The need for instant gratification often outweighs the thought process of repercussions of actions and asking “What possible good can come from this?”. There are times in the Junior School when I discuss this very thought process, or lack of thought process, with Year 5 and 6 boys when they just get it wrong. Grose suggests avoiding lecturing these boys about their current behaviour having an impact on their later adult life; instead link the impact of their behaviour to their present lives. For example, saying that eating healthily and having regular exercise and sleep patterns is going to have a positive impact on their ability to play football, run or play music will be far more motivating to a teenage boy than linking such habits to their long-term health. At the age of 15, most boys are more concerned with the next five days rather than the next five years, so it is important to get into his timeframe and show an interest in their present lives, their friends and interests. Grose points out that by doing so, it will give you permission to press them further on their goals and ambitions in the future. This is also imperative with pre-adolescent boys in a Junior School environment.
The Ability of Boys to Focus
Unfortunately, teenage boys have difficulty in applying equal effort to everything they do, particularly schoolwork. If a boy identifies that the assessment piece isn’t important to him then his efforts are often reduced and this can be compounded if the deadline is too far away. Many boys will saunter along until two days before and then with a huge rush (and sometimes tears) they will complete the assignment. An effective way of addressing this can be to reduce the time period for completion or to set smaller mini-deadlines (chunking) that must be met along the way. In this way, the boy stays on task and his motivation doesn’t falter. Most boys are Lego builders and like to have the instructions and stages to follow. In particular, they like to see reward for their effort, and a practical purpose for doing the assessment. Even a small tangible reward can be a great motivator.
Time as a Gift
Grose states that some of the greatest gifts to boys revolve around time, particularly with their fathers, as long as it’s done in an age appropriate way. In doing so, he suggests that there are two aspects of time to consider. The first is that it takes time and patience for a boy to grow and develop. All too often parents want their boys to be what they want them to be within an adult time frame.
The second element revolves around successfully communicating with boys. By being able to enter the teenage boy time frame, an adult can communicate with them about what interests them and is important to them now. Often conversations in the car are an excellent way of communicating with teenage boys. There is no eye contact (you should be watching the road) and open ended questions can often lead to valuable conversations as the kilometres tick by. I discovered this with my own son during the recent holiday period in the car on the way to Noosa.
One of Australia's leading parenting experts suggests that getting into their time frames, giving them time, and understanding what is important to them are excellent ways of communicating with adolescent boys. Our sons hold our hands for only a little while, but they hold our hearts for a lifetime.
Simon Edgar
Head of Junior School
